The Truth...

   This post is going to be a lot more personal than I'm used to sharing but I feel like in a way, it will help me in this acceptance process and give me some peace to express my feelings openly.   I have gone through many stages during these last few years of infertility.  It took me a very long time to even want to talk about it with anyone but one of the things that has helped me the most was reading or hearing about other people in my same situation.  I'm so grateful for their honesty because it has brought me so much healing knowing that I'm not the only one that gets angry at times or feels like I don't want to do anything or see anyone.  So often I felt like I was just going through the motions of life, faking smiles and doing my best to stay normal.  I hope that by sharing my own personal feelings, I'll be able to touch or help someone else in their healing process as well.

   My whole life, I've always had a plan for my next step...after high school I knew that I wanted to nanny, then serve a mission, then get married and start our family about a year later.   Well, everything has gone according to plans except for the last part.   I was FINALLY diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome last August after over a year of frustration of why my body was gaining weight no matter what I did and why I couldn't get pregnant.  It was such a relief to have some answers but even with a better understanding I was still so frustrated.   I struggled with things that used to come so easy to me because I just didn't have the motivation to do it.  It was hard for me to be with the people that I loved because no matter what was said, when it came down to hearing about being a mom, it hurt me and brought back to my focus that it was not something I was.  I struggled to know where I fit in.  I felt so alone.

   Although I'm not at 100% all the time, I have definitely found peace through my faith (which if you want to learn more about, go here) and study and prayer.   One of my favorite talks lately has been Pres. Uchtdorf's talk; Forget me not.  I first read this talk during a point where I felt so completely alone and it brought me so much hope and understanding.  Some of my favorite quotes from the talk are;

"There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.”The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear."

"The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

"Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love."

"...you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine."

     One of my friends shared this advice with me after finally getting pregnant through invitro, "Although it is SO hard right now and you feel like you are on the biggest roller coaster ride ever...keep a positive outlook, turn everything over to Heavenly Father, be patient, and try to learn as much from this experience as you can.  When you do get pregnant you will be reminded every time you look at your sweet babies what miracles they are and how blessed you are..."

    So today, I am determined to find MY happiness!  This road that we are on has not been easy.  Raymond has most likely had it the hardest, having to be my rock while he aches to be a father as well.  I am so grateful for his strength and for the priesthood that he holds.  I have truly come to appreciate that power more than I have ever before.   But one thing I do know, is that the day will come for us to be parents.   It may not be in the way that we have dreamed of which I am ready for as well but I do know that when that day comes, I will cherish those first moments with our sweet angel knowing that he or she is part of OUR eternal family.

We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through. -Anonymous